There is something nice about innocent love isn’t there? Love at first sight? You see that pretty girl and your heart skips a beat. You take the courage to ask her out, then you are filled with disappointment that she doesn’t want you, or much later the discovery that you have nothing in common. Academia doesn’t want me; I am not good enough. I don’t want you because you make me upset and unhappy all the time. I think it’s best we part ways. It wasn’t meant to be.

With so much human knowledge, how can someone be an inch thick and a mile wide and be of any use?

Focus, more than anything, differentiates those who can and cannot get a Ph.D.

Belief that what you study is the best. So much so that you never even think of the alternative.

I wanted to be a “renaissance man” ever since I first heard the term in 8th grade. The modern day renaissance man. I wanted to broaden my horizon and break out of my mold; try new things. But the academic system doesn’t reward that. Tacking on a second bachelor degree was academic suicide; and almost real suicide.

Life doesn’t reward you for anything. It’s competition and filled with disappointment at every turn.

Take Jim Bridwell – pioneering rock climber in the 60s is now broke and auctioning off his climbing gear to eat. There is no reward for pursuing what you love. I think most of my Ph.D. friends don’t regret their choice, but there is no guarantee either that they would have a fulfilling career.

Why is life so absurd.

The grass is really greener on the other side. As a programmer, I envied the social science’s focus on the people and society, and the various concentrations that focus on making people better. Now that I have crossed the fence, I feel regret in my decision. If I had stayed the course, tried harder to get into a Ph.D program, maybe I can stand tall with my peers and be proud that I am a Ph.D. By the time I graduate, I will have 4 degrees. Why?

I always liked to see the big picture. I don’t mind doing the nitty-gritty work like writing code, routing wires, or endless problem sets. But in the end, how do all of these things relate? Ph.Ds happily silo themselves into specialized units. No time to be broad – if you do, you lose competitiveness.

As I contemplate attaching a science degree on, I think it will be impossible that I would end up using skills from both degrees. I can either write policy memos or help some scientist run experiments, but can I use the results to generate policy actions? I can’t think of a job like that. Maybe a “twitter” specialist, or social media outreach person. But if I have to do that, just kill me.

Congrats, Sam, on being better after all.

She told me she was not interested.  I heard that.

But we still hung out together.  Is that fair?  Is that fair for you to hangout with someone you know likes you and may develop stronger feelings for you in the process, even though you played it off as just friends?

I managed to upset her when I pressed for her to reveal her plans today, why she was busy.  I just wanted to know if she was dating someone – for my sake.  We had agreed that she would tell me if she started dating, but she conveniently reverted that stance.  She declared that she would no longer be comfortable with me alone, but she still wanted to go climbing.  I told her I wanted to cut off all relationships.  She got upset.  Claiming that I wronged her twice.  I told her I wanted to wipe my feelings clean and start over.  That it would not be permanent.  If and when that day comes and I feel indifferent towards her as I do to a rock, would there be a point to starting a friendship?  She has done very little in the way as a friend.  In fact, I can’t think of a single nice thing she has done for me.

I should feel good.  I needed this wart to be gone.  I needed to move on.  But I feel bad for wronging her.

Should I?  She thinks she is the victim.  I don’t see it that way.

She is out on a date right now with a good looking, charismatic guy.  I feel like shit.

What can I do.

And so it ends.  With a bang.  And how quickly it ended.

The glut is caused by the tech-bubble 10 years ago.

Yup, the tech-bubble.

Around 10 years ago, I was starting undergrad in computer science.  I went into it because I was a techie, a geek, an anti-social and awkward kid, and I was attracted to all things science or technology.  Computer engineering seemed like a good fit.  There were lots of people in my program, however, who were there for the money.  Lots of computer consultants made a killing fixing the Y2k bug that never materialized, and the bubble kept growing, fueled by the “discovery” of the internet for doing business.  Everyone wanted to be a part of the digital gold-rush, and people needed people who could speak the language of computers to do the lifting.  So, demand for people with any computer knowledge went sky high, and a new college graduate around 1999 to 2000 could expect 75,000 starting salary, no problem.  But too bad for me, in my second year, the bubble burst, and our cohort we left with a conundrum: do we continue and finish the degree or do we do something else?  I think most everyone finished their degree, but a lot, I mean a lot of my friends ended up in law school.  It’s one of those professional degrees that you can make a lot of money, and there isn’t really any hard prerequisites for law school.   Since they never really loved computers or technology, and once the incentive was gone, they didn’t want to stay with their cubicle-dwelling jobs.  Most of them are pretty smart, and an engineering/computer science degree looks pretty good on a law degree application.  So they went.

It was around 2004 that I graduated.  Give a year or two before going back to law school, and it’s right about 2008-2009.  Of course, without hard data and some serious statistics number crunching, I wouldn’t be able to support this hypothesis, but just to throw something out there.

I’m just glad I’m not one of those who got caught in two bubbles.

I am consoled by my awesome roommate, who is also my connection to all things social.  We have a pretty awesome apartment that she picked and did all the work to get it.  We have awesome neighbors that she already knew, and that I am getting to know.  We already had a few awesome dinners.

Things are falling into place slowly.  We are still missing a couch and a dinning room table because we don’t have money to pay for them new.  I am always looking on craigslist.

One nice thing that has happened though is I met a real rock climber.  She is from D.C. and is a new grad student as well.  We climbed once at the gym to feel each other out and I conclude that she as least climbs top rope as hard (or weak?) as I.   We already planned a trip to New River Gorge – should be fun.

Money is tight and if the stock market actually decides to do better maybe I can take money out to finance my eduction.  But right now I’d take a loss.  But I will if need be.

Jessica betrayed my goodwill.  I let her come along on our trip because I felt sorry that she would be spending her springbreak maybe by herself, backpacking.  I didn’t really invited her, but only told her that I would be at Yosemite.  She said she would come and I thought, “fine”, we’ll just do a few climbs together.   Then she wanted to go to Joshua Tree, and I thought, “fine”, climbing in a group of three is slower but I had gotten pretty beat up and wasn’t minding a slower pace.  After doing the entire drive from San Fran. to J. Tree, I had decided to sleep in and let the sun wake me because I was exhausted.  Not a minute after I woke up Jessica came by and bitched about how she had been up for two hours already.  So I gave her the car keys, gotten up and got ready.  The next day everything seemed to be fine.  That night I told Jessica, I would hang the car key on my tent pole but please give me a wake up call when she gets it so I could wake up get ready as well.  The next morning I found the sun bright in my eyes, the key missing, and no one at camp.  Alina came over and told me my friends had left me to go climb a route while I slept in.  I was furious!  Not only did Jessica not kept her promise and gave me a wake up call, she had planned not to all along so she could poach MY climbing partner so she could climb more routes in a pair instead of threes.  I had told Tyler the same thing to wake me, and he did not do so either.  I found them close by, rearing to get on a route.  I yelled, and was furious.  I told them to enjoy their climb and I angrily walked back to camp.  Minutes later they came back, and Jessica bitched, “I didn’t come all this way to sit around.  This is the only week I have and I want to climb.  Climbing in three is so slow.”  I was flabbergasted – how could someone be so narcissistic and self-centered?  How could she not realize that she was the third person in the group, slowing us down?  Tyler saw the mistake and apologized and I forgave him.  I wanted an apology from her as well but she insisted she had done nothing wrong.  So it went, and dark cloud hung over us as we tried to make the most of the rest of the day.  Tyler ended up dislocating his shoulder and couldn’t climb anymore, so I told him I would drive with him into town and get some ice for his shoulder.  Jessica wanted to be dropped off at camp but asked if I knew where Alina was.  She had the nerve!  She wanted to intrude on my friend’s climb!  I told her there was a note Alina left for her friend and Jessica went and looked for them.  I could not believe the arrogance that Jess displayed.  I swore that I would leave her in LA and drive back without her, but of course never carried that out.  Eventually I admitted that I had overreacted, to which she said she did not mean to hurt my feelings on purpose.  It was the closest thing to an apology that I will ever get and I accepted it.  For now the bridge remains tattered and hanging by a thread, but is still standing.  However, I will never again share any trips with her ever again.

Alina was decidedly more distant than the last time I had seen her.  She was really hoping a friend could show up for her birthday (which shares mine), but the guy didn’t make it despite having promised.  I thought if she had displayed one percent of her excitement for her friend to me for my arrival, I would have been on cloud nine.  There was a definite invisible barrier and we barely spoke until the last two days.  I tried to put my arm around her shoulder as we walked out and she just kept on walking.  I offered my car to her to drive which she was always very excited to do because it’s a manual and she rejected it.  Although she never mentioned the “B” word, I had always suspected that there is someone in her life that she likes and she is no longer putting out signals that she may be available.  Then she got word that her friend wasn’t coming, and we went ahead and made campfire birthday cake to celebrate.  We chatted into late at night, but didn’t really say much.  The next morning when I gave her money for the campsite and remarked how I drove 20 hours to be with her to celebrate our birthdays together, she seemed to be genuinely moved, and gave me a big hug that seemed to last.  It wasn’t one of those, slap on the back, hey-thanks for the money, kind of hug; it was filled with emotion and love.  I felt her embrace and I was dumbfounded.  I didn’t know what else to do.  Of course, she may have just needed a person to hug after hearing terrible events that happened to another one of her friends, but whatever the reason I was glad we shared that moment.  Tears well inside my eyes as I recollect that moment.  If I had been sick, had the worst weather, and had gotten no climbing in, that hug would have made the entire trip worthwhile — and as such, it did.

In order to even be considered, the electees would need to have a 3.6 GPA in their 3rd year as an EECS major.  While I had a 3.6 when I elected, it was only my second year, but I pleaded since I had enough credits to qualify as a junior.  Somehow, deep down, I knew I couldn’t maintain my GPA high enough into the third year and so it would be then, or never.

Sure enough, after gaining membership my GPA dropped like a meteor, but since it was not a requirement to maintain a 3.6 GPA, I maintained my membership.

Ten years later, I look up my colleagues on Facebook and wonder which university they have tenure.  Turns out, none of them do.  One is working at a company in San Francisco; another started his own internet business; and another is the in graduate school.

To have a Ph.D. and getting tenure I thought was the holy grail of academia.  I thought incorrectly that it was what everyone who were the cream of the crop wanted.  I was wrong.  It is just as meaningful and not any less impressive to pursue a worthwhile career and a balanced, happy, life.  And my colleagues are certainly better off than I am, unemployed and single after all these years.

Someday, I wish to be proud of what I do and my life that I don’t shy away from seeing my old classmates again.

More news: someone hacked into my Steam account and ordered a bunch of games for himself.  Visa caught wind of this and flagged the transactions.  I sent an email to Steam (only one of the few times that I there is phone support instead of email only) for a fix.  Apparently someone sent these games to himself using the gift-a-game option.  The ID thief was into BioShock2, Modern Warfare 2, Valve 2009 pack, Global Agenda, and Battlefield Bad Company pre-order, totally around 200 dollars.  It will be interesting to see if steam can track down the person(s) and do something about it.  Visa also canceled the breached card, which is good, I suppose, since it’s tied to all of my major online shops that I frequent, and this means if my other accounts were also compromised at least the thief wouldn’t be able to purchase anything.

However, the bigger concern is the overall security of my system.  I have had MS Security Essential installed since day 1 of this computer.  Mysteriously, over the past few months, Windows 7 has reported filesystem corruption and insisted running chkdsk.  Initially, the thought was I let the system’s battery run out during a sleep cycle and that caused the filesystem corruption that I experienced.  However, it happened again, and this time I am sure that there was enough juice that the scenario I had experienced was impossible.  Maybe the first time it was the case, but definitely not for the second experience.  Security Essential also didn’t run properly and reported strange errors days before today’s incident.

I don’t know how my system could have gotten compromised.  It is this uncertainty that still frightens me.  For me, this is a lesson learned.  I will change passwords often and explore ways to remember passwords that change on a continuous basis.

I may never know how it happened.  I have always laughed cynically at stories of stupid users falling for obvious fake emails, executing programs from dubious sources, and not exercise due caution on the Wild Wild Web, but no longer.  Today, I became the victim that I never thought I’d become.

Hopefully the people at Valve can gather forensics on how this could have happened.  I hope the IP addresses were logged and the gift recipients could be traced, but somehow I doubt that.  I am too well aware of the incompetent IT people and the futility in often launching an investigation that wouldn’t result in justice.  Still, I hope for more than a canned response and maybe, just maybe, the breach came from the Steam servers and not the client running on my computer.

Even more news: I need to lose 20 lbs in 21 days. And today I’m not doing anything.  So 1 lb per day.  Great.